Well, it happened. Tuesday was the last day at my job. This has honestly been one of the most overwhelming experiences I have gone through in my life. For the last 24 hours I haven’t been sure how to feel. However, I think at the moment the majority of me is feeling a sense of guilt and relief. While I don’t think my job was perfect for me, it wasn’t terrible. I worked with good people that I think extremely highly of, however in the end, we just didn’t quite see eye to eye on how my employment would evolve there.
I purposefully won’t go into many details, but the gist of the story is that I submitted a proposal to work remotely, and they didn’t go for it. I honestly can’t blame them at all, it was a long shot, and while I do believe there were benefits for both parties it just didn’t work out. I have no hard feelings towards anyone, however I do have this overwhelming sense of guilt that I have let people down who have done so much for me over the last 2+ years.
On the other hand, I am also feeling an overwhelming sense of relief. I have known for quite some time that what I was doing wasn’t my calling. It wasn’t what I was passionate about. It was a paycheck. It was comfortable. It wasn’t that bad. But you know what? I don’t want to settle for “not that bad”. I want the best life I can possibly have, and I am now in a position to pursue that. There is no best time for anything. In my perfect world, this wasn’t the best time to leave. Financially, I am not sure I am at a point to do everything I want to do. But you know what? If it didn’t happen, I may have been there forever.
Last night I went to go see the movie Couple’s Retreat. Besides making me want to hop on the first flight to Bora Bora (see # 21 on the list), it made me really excited to start finding my passion. I was feeling pretty down yesterday, and in the movie, when one of the characters was asked about their marriage, they mentioned “we get through it.” To which the therapist responded, “do you really want to look back on your life and have to say that you just made it through?” Well, as mentioned in the previous paragraph, I don’t want that.
Today has been a different day than yesterday. I woke up at the usual time, and for (almost) the first Wednesday in over 2 years, I didn’t have to put on a tie. I was able to go work out at 8 in the morning, rather than have to cram it into a lunch break. If it weren’t raining right now I would head outside and go golfing just because I can. The point is I feel this new found sense of freedom that I really have never felt before. And while sure, this is great for today, there is a very fine line between being free and being the lazy ass who sits on their couch all day watching reruns of Saved by the Bell. That is my biggest fear at the moment. My life is in my hands now. If I don’t go out and make things happen, they won’t, simple as that.
Man, something has just hit me. As I am sitting in this coffee shop, writing and catching up on all the things I have let slip over the last week, I am happy. Seriously, considering how awful I felt yesterday, I thought it would be days before I would be able to see the positive in all of this. But it has just hit me. I can do whatever I want. I can spend all day doing Photoshop tutorials. I can sit down and crank out the long overdue manifesto I have wanted to write for months. I can even go look for a part time job to help me pay the bills over the next few months (ok, maybe we will save that one til next week). But I digress…
The point of all this, is just to say, don’t let your life pass you by. Don’t let the fear of uncertainty rule your life. I have currently never had so much uncertainty in my life. It is uncomfortable, it is scary, but it is also exciting and hopeful at the same time.
I have been looking forward to writing this post ever since I started Location180. Because today I am speaking from experience. I can tell you what it feels like to not have to go into work for the first time in years. I can tell you how scary it is to not know how you are going to bring in your next paycheck. I can tell you that life will go on. I can also tell you that the future, however uncertain, is bright. And it feels great to be able to say those things definitively, and not just in speculation.
Big things and big changes are coming for me and Location180. I am excited to finally start pursuing them with the devotion that has been lacking.